I don't even know why. Maybe it's all the constant noise. Or hormones. Or the relentless chores, the stupid, ever-multiplying dust bunnies. Lack of sleep? Lack of Vitamin D? It doesn't even matter. The fact is that something was sucking me into a pit, a mire of misery.
That mire was strangely alluring and I could almost believe that if I just let myself go there for a while and rest, I might even feel better... In fact, I probably deserved to settle there for a while. Perhaps I'd even earned it.
Lie. Definitely a lie. I've been there before. The misery multiplies and innocent bystanders get muck on them.
A walk! Yes, a walk often does wonders when I feel this way...but the wind is blowing 50 mph and my world is coated in a glare of ice... The quicksand gave another heave, threatening even more powerfully to suck me in.
Thankful. Yes, I know that I know that I know that gratitude is key. I tried. But it felt forced and fake even though I knew in my head that I was absolutely thankful for many things.
This struggle called for rest, actually. Not rest in the mire though. I put on my favorite love songs. The ones that remind me of the greatness of the perfect love of my Father. I rested there. Soaked up that love. Sighed out the weariness. I gathered strength.
Then I found my son who absolutely and truly had been a pain in the...neck...most of the morning and I hugged and tickled him. Because he's worth it.
I made myself look straight into the eyes of the little one who quietly doesn't miss anything, who knew exactly what had been going on, and I smiled. Real, genuine smile. Because she's very, very precious.
I took a deep breath and chose love for the one who'd been acting so junior high, because she's a great kid and I want to keep the lines of communication open. And because of the One who has given me such an abundance of love when I've been acting so...like I act sometimes.
Mire has never taken me there--it just messes with my relationships. Love will. It never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out. Honestly, apart from His love and grace, I'm incapable of anything other than sinking into that mire of self-pity. I'm so thankful for His love. So thankful that He pours it out lavishly, never annoyed that I need it again. So thankful that He gives an abundance--enough to pass on.
And so faith, hope and love abide
[faith--conviction and belief respecting man's relation to God and divine things;
hope--joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation;
love--true affection for God and man, growing out of God's love for and in us],
but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13 AMP