The Big Picture

I've been meaning to blog about The Big Picture ever since Mallory surprised us by showing up one day in June.  Every time I see him I'm reminded again that there's a really big picture.  I desperately need that reminder from time-to-time!

Of course, this story doesn't start that day.  It's hard to figure out quite where Big Picture stories start.  I suspect it's something like, "Before the foundations of time..."  My awareness of this particular story started when I was sixteen.  As is always the case with Big Picture stories, I didn't have a clue that day or, in fact, for many years.

I certainly wouldn't go so far as to say I was a normal sixteen-year-old (whatever that is), but I did struggle with the same things lots of teens struggle with...zits, body image, homework, wondering if I had what it takes, would anyone ever choose to love me, the usual.  I was living in Nova Scotia and one of my aunts was living in British Columbia.  She sent me a cassette tape.  Yes, a cassette.  Not an eight-track, though I did have some of those too, just a regular little ol' cassette.

It was a homemade one with a sticker label that said, "From Brian and Mallory With Love."  It wasn't from them directly to me.  It was just a cassette that a couple of people had made and their friends had enjoyed it so much they made a bunch of copies.  My Aunt thought I would like it and I did!  The songs spoke to my heart.  The guitars were beautifully played and the vocal harmonies were extraordinary.  One of the voices often sang a clear, higher harmony so I assumed Mallory was a girl, like the Mallory on Family Ties.

I played that tape all the time.  Especially when I was trying to sleep at night.  I struggled a lot with anxiety and sleep seldom came easily.  That cassette calmed me.

Because this is a Big Picture story, I have to fast-forward a decade.  Ten years in which I finished High School, went to college, got engaged to a guy that I didn't marry, moved across the country...and then met Brian.  Who sang and played the guitar beautifully.  He had a friend named Mallory.  Mallory was a guy but not the guy who sang the high parts on my tape.  That was Brian.

I married Brian and Mallory sang at our wedding.  Just as God knew I would.  I don't think He just knew, I believe He planned it "before the foundations of time..."  When I was sixteen and tormented by anxiety and couldn't sleep and played a cassette to calm myself He knew I was listening to the voice of my future husband.  He had a Plan.  A really good Plan.  I think He smiled over those moments with the same kind of delight I feel when I plan treats for my kids.

Now I can see that part of The Big Picture. It's really beautiful. It was His plan along I just couldn't see it.

Today is part of a Big Picture too. Strands of a tapestry are being woven together.  The strands are all I can see at the moment.  I have no idea what the final picture for this chapter is going to look like.  Many of the strands are really, really lovely, my favorite colours.  I can easily see those hues coming together in a way that makes my heart burst with joy.

There are a few though that aren't very pretty.  In fact, when I look at those ones I don't like them at all.  I've seen some pictures woven in those colours and they're ugly and make me feel sad.  Some days feel like they are dominated by those ugly threads.  My stomach gets all queasy and I can't think straight.  Grief and fear are paralysing.  What if...  What.  If.

In desperation I seek the eyes of the Weaver to whom I've entrusted my life.  His eyes are beautiful.  So beautiful.  I'm transfixed, but it's different than being paralysed.  His gaze fills me with peace and calm.  His love starts to soak into the pain and fear.  If I stay there long enough, it fills me with courage and I can move again, breathe again.  He makes beautiful, glorious pictures. Even out of really ugly colours.  He weaves in grace and redemption and they become masterpieces.

This seeking of His eyes...  Sometimes it requires fierce determination.  It's an act of war.  A refusal to believe the lies that His love and grace aren't big enough.

Again, today, I will release the strands I'm clutching. He promises to take them and make something that will take my breath away.  I'm looking into His eyes.  The love in them is making me sing a song.

It's a song I learned from a cassette a long time ago.

Brian and Mallory in June ~ I wish I had a picture of them recording their album!

Please Stand By

Sometimes God speaks to me audibly.

I'm not saying that the woman in the Costco self checkout is God--He'd use better grammar ("Your savings is..." *shudder*  I've seriously thought of writing to the corporation)--but Monday I heard him speak to me through that voice.  (It's surprising how often He uses imperfect vessels.)

Whenever possible I use the self-checkout.  It's just so hard to be patient while someone else is pokey and packs the hamburger buns on the bottom.  Yes, I say something about the buns (much to the horror of my children, but seriously!), and, no, I don't have control issues, just an appreciation of things done well.  However, it is inconvenient when there's a glitch.  Like on Monday when I swiped a shirt and placed it on the belt.  Wouldn't take.  I tried again.  And again.

"Help is required for this item.  Please stand by.  Help is on the way."  Thankfully, her grammar was correct at this stressful moment.  The only way I was going to leave the store with that shirt (half price and a lovely shade of blue!) was if I waited.  Waited for help.  Help that was apparently on the way.

That's when I laughed out loud.

Indeed.

Help is required for this item.

Please stand by.

Help is on the way.

That thought which had been pinging around in my head all morning...  How could I solve that particular problem?  I could...what if I...or maybe if I...  "I" was part of every solution I could imagine.  Yet clearly help was required for this item.

Please stand by, Michelle.  Help is on the way!

I don't always wait well (see above regarding self checkout).  I frequently wear myself to a nub trying to solve problems.  Sure, action on my part is usually required, but I'm a hamster on a wheel when I think I'm the source of the solution.

"Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for him to act.  Don't worry..."

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me and he...heard my cry...lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire..."

"No one who waits for you will ever be put to shame."

Wait.  Patiently.  Don't worry.  Worry causes mire in my brain.  While I waited for the clerk...in that moment of stillness...that stillness I frequently avoid though my impatience...truth surfaced.

God was definitely speaking to me in that annoying and often grammatically incorrect android voice.  Help was required.  In that moment I determined to "stand by" and believe that "help is on the way."

That was five days ago...  At least half the solution has unfolded.  I have every reason to believe that if I continue to stand by, all the help I need will arrive.

It's kinda peaceful.

Psalm 37:7; 40:1-2 NLT

Psalm 25:3 GN

An Invitation to Trust

It seems like it was ages ago, but perhaps it was only three months...

I was sitting, endless hours, in the waiting room. Keeping anxieties at bay with an ebook, but my reader died. Amusing myself listening to the darling nonagenarian blurting out commentary on the current state of affairs...but her name had been called.  Along with almost everyone else. Wondering if they forgot me? If the pain in my bottom might soon be greater than the one on the inside? Shushing all the what ifs. Grasping at gratitude.

A young, very young, woman came in with four little stair-step children, all preschoolers I would guess, the youngest still in a carrier. They quietly followed her through the registration process in wide-eyed silence. In a little row, they filed along and sat down across from me. Six big eyes stared at me. Six little legs swung. Six little hands folded in three little laps. 

This is usually when I begin to bemoan the fact that my children seem to be completely devoid of whatever gene is required for such calm and orderly behaviour...

Just then a large and odd looking bath chair contraption rattled by.  Six wondering eyes followed and then turned to mamma.  She smiled.

A nursed wheeled a severely handicapped woman by and legs stopped swinging.  Once out of sight all eyes turned to mamma.  She smiled.  Legs resumed swinging and eyes watched.

An eerie cry echoed down the hall.  Eyes widened and turned to mamma.  She smiled...extra reassuringly.  Shoulders relaxed and legs swung again.

Babies cried. 

Nurses called out. 

Alarms rang.  

Six little eyes sought mamma's and she smiled.

It was enough.  For now.  Maybe answers would come later.  

My turn finally came.  Kind nurses and gentle doctors did all they could but they couldn't budge the system.  Anxiety rose.  Uncertainty and pain are a nasty combination.

Then I remembered.  

Seek His eyes. 

He smiled reassuringly and invited me to trust.

My shoulders relaxed.  

Months have passed.  Waiting has wearied.  Uncertainty has vexed.  Friends have hugged and prayed.  I've fallen apart and gotten up again.  Panic rises quickly when the mind is focused on the pain.

However, I've had frequent reminders of those six little eyes and six swinging legs.  Every time I remember, I seek His eyes.

Every time I find His eyes are already upon me, anticipating my need.

All I can see is love. And an invitation to trust.

It is enough.

For today.

Maybe all the questions will be answered someday when we go Home.

For now the warmth of His tender gaze is enough.

I will be with you, and I will protect you wherever you go...

I will be with you constantly 

until I have finished giving you everything I have promised.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever!

Genesis 28:15

Psalm 73:25-26

NLT

Adoption - The Rest of My Brother Story

As usual, when I write a post in which I feel I am completely undressing my heart publicly, I get an overwhelming response.  And I am undone.  Again and again.  His grace and His glory shine in the  vulnerable places...

Some of you would like to know more of the adoption story because you're on your own journey of Big Questions.  I will gladly share more of mine!

This little-brother-by-choice went off on his own.  He sought and found his birth mother, but that didn't work out in a way that anyone desired.  Understandably.  I grieved that she would feel she had failed her son twice.  I wish I could find her and tell her about grace.

We rarely knew where he was.  The nature of his disability is that it's very hard for him to hold down a job or function as a normal adult so he lives a transient life.  Because he's quite childlike, he's easily led.  This got him into trouble before and was the thing I dreaded most--that and the possibility he might be preyed upon by perverts.

Many nights I would lie awake and wonder where he was.  Alive or dead?  Hungry?  Safe?  I remember one night in particular...I could not sleep and tried to lift all my anxious thoughts in prayer.  I imagine that it reached the Father's ears in a cacophony of anxiety and fear mixed with genuine love.  I'm so grateful that He blows away the chaff of unbelief and gets to the heart of the longing.

The next day I got a phone call from my brother.  He was so excited to tell me how he'd been hitch-hiking in the middle of the night (that didn't calm my anxiety one bit!) and how the soles of his boots had fallen off and he was walking barefoot.  A trucker stopped to pick him up (my unbelieving heart leaped in fear again).  This trucker took him to a store (in the middle of the night?) and bought him new boots and a warm jacket.  Then he took him to KFC for a hot meal.  According to my brother, this man then "disappeared".  He was so excited about his new coat and boots--he hadn't a second thought for the mystery.  I could barely breathe and I certainly couldn't contain the flow of tears.  Man or angel, I know not.  This I do know:  my Father heard my prayers and He really, really wanted me to know that my love is but a drop in the ocean of His compassion!  I can trust Him to care for and watch over my broken brother.

I had a lot more peace about him after this.  My prayers held more faith and less fear.  I'm also very grateful that he calls from time-to-time.  Someone lets him use their phone to call and I get to hear his voice and have a general idea of his location.

In the summer of 2008 we were holidaying in the area where he was living.  I knew he had a job as a dishwasher in a road house.  I prayed he would call and he did so we made a plan to connect.  I wasn't absolutely sure he'd be there, but as we pulled into a dusty parking lot by a derelict road house, I saw a fellow that must be my brother.  He ran sobbing into my arms.  The emaciated, toothless, unwashed body held the heart of my little-boy brother seeking comfort.  Our tears mingled and that dusty corner became holy ground while my kids looked on in wonder.

We broke bread together in the road house.  A surreal experience.  It was a place unlike any other in which I'd ever eaten--I felt as though we were literally glowing in the dark.  I tried to absorb the fact that this man was the brother I hadn't seen for eighteen years.  All the while being mother to three kids who were trying to sort out this experience.  Was this man who looked unlike any they'd ever met really their uncle?  Why didn't he have teeth?  They tried to be polite and look away when he laughed in all the wrong places and talked way too loudly, but mostly they stared.  And he was delighted!  Delighted to be hosting his family.  He wanted to tell everyone I was his sister and he was an uncle and...and my heart ached because we all need to belong to somebody.

He was especially proud to introduce me to one of the waitresses.  Her face and her eyes were far older than her years.  She was tough, yet when she looked at my brother there was a motherly tenderness.  As she refilled my coffee cup, she rasped into my ear that she was happy to meet me and that I shouldn't worry as she was looking out for him.  I stopped to hug her long and hard when I left.

I could hardly stand to leave.  I longed to fatten him, put him in a shower, give him clean clothes...but he'd refused that kind of help.  I had to let go, recognize that I am not his rescuer.  Place him in the hands of my Father.  Trust.  And give thanks for mysterious truck drivers, crusty waitresses, "some guy" who's letting him stay in a cabin, for the knack he has with small engines, for a welfare system that does help those who simply cannot, for random phone calls, and most of all for a Father who never abandons the helpless.

Father to the fatherless,

defender of widows--

this is God, whose dwelling is holy.

God places the lonely in families;

he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.

Psalm 68:5-6

Surrounded

For the Lord your God will go ahead of you...

My Father goes before me in this day.

To make a way through the challenges,

and to prepare blessings.

Yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind.

My Papa's got my back.

He will cover you with his feathers.  
He will shelter you with his wings.

I'm covered, sheltered by His love.

The eternal God is your refuge, 
and his everlasting arms are under you.

He  holds me up.

I'm supported by His love

I will give you a new heart, 
and I will put a new spirit in you...
I will put my Spirit in you.

His Spirit.  Inside me.

Ahead.  Behind.  Beside.  Under.  Within.

I have nothing to fear.

Isaiah 53:12b; Psalm 91:Deuteronomy 33:27, Ezekiel 36:26-27

Joy Fuel

It sneaks up behind me and clutches my heart with icy fingers:  I haven't done enough.  I should have done more.  It might be too late.  What if, what if, what if...and my heart takes off on a hamster wheel of worry.  

Joy leaks out of my heart like the strength leaving my knees.

Motherhood.  I love my kids more than anything.  I want to do it right.  Love them well.  Teach them everything they need to know to live a pain-free life.  Seriously.  You scoff because it's ridiculous, but look into the sweet faces of your own babies and ask yourself if you don't wish the same?

It's absolutely true that I haven't done very many (any?) things perfectly and only some things well.  Too late?  I don't know.  The experts say that the preschool years are the most formative and I wouldn't say I did my best parenting then.  What if it is too late for some things?  What if they do make some terrible choices that hurt...themselves...others...me?  Anxiety can be the worst kind of agony.

I fling myself at His feet, begging for mercy for my children, for some kind of second chance, for a "get out of jail free card"--and I find love-filled eyes.  Did He not come just because He knew we'd never get it all right?  Is it not His nature to create beauty out of ashes?  To bind up the broken-hearted?  To help desperate parents and imperfectly parented children?

A breath of hope.

Grace.

It's not an excuse for sloppy parenting.  It is hope for those who are doing their imperfect best.  I make an idol of myself and my abilities when I think it all depends on my capacity to parent perfectly.

He loves my kids with a passion that's far greater than a mother's love.   I can trust Him.  He put His life on the line for their redemption.  


Trust.  


Joy begins to well up and strengthen my feeble knees. 


Trust fuels joy.

The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger. 

I trust in him with all my heart. 

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. 

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.  

Psalm 28:7 NLT

Oh, the joys of those who trust the LORD!

Psalm 40:4a NLT

O LORD Almighty, happy are those who trust in you!

Psalm 84:12 NLT

Those who trust the LORD will be happy.

Proverbs 16:20b  NLT 

Growing Pains

My legs used to hurt so much I felt I couldn't stand it.  Many times I couldn't settle into sleep at night.  I guess they didn't know then that extra calcium would have relieved the ache... I vividly remember the night--it seemed like it was the middle, the very darkest part of the night--that my mom put me in a tub filled with warm water.  She swished the water around and murmured comforting words, "It's just growing pains...they won't last...this pain is because you're growing taller."  But I would have amputated those legs in a heartbeat.  Gladly.  And been crippled for the rest of my life.


It's very, very hard to recognize discomfort, much less pain, as a good thing.


Growing pains can easily be mistaken as an indication of harm or trauma rather than growth.


So how do I know if what I'm suffering is trauma or growth?  Is the current discomfort a sign of something terribly wrong or gloriously right?


If you've ventured into new territory, decided to make changes, are attempting to leave behind the status quo, seize the dream that's stirred your heart...you will experience growing pains.  In the same way your arms and legs grew too long for your brain when you were a teenager, your heart has outgrown your current equilibrium. Inevitably, venturing into unknown territory will rattle your sense of identity, confidence in your ability might waver.  All because you've been bold and brave enough to reach for more, bigger, deeper, higher than you've ever gone before. 


This discomfort is good.  It's a sign of growth.  It'll make you lean into the Source of strength, wisdom, and grace.


There will be moments when it would be so much easier to back off, back down, back up...anything to relieve the discomfort.  Don't do it.  Hang in there.  Remain focused.  Remember the words He has spoken--both the ones written in the Book and the ones that He's breathed into your spirit.  His words are spirit and life, the calcium that eases the growing pains.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

don't try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;

he's the one who will keep you on track.

Don't assume that you know it all.

Run to God!

Run from evil!

Your body will glow with health, 

your very bones will vibrate with life!

Proverbs 3:5-8 MSG

*John 6:63

When You're Low on Hope

What do we do when we run low on hope?  Some days life comes at us from all directions and some days the wait for the promise gets long...  Our hope gets battered.  Never mind "extreme hope," we'd be happy for a shred of hope!

First of all, I think it's really important to be honest when we're feeling low on hope.  (Nothing will sap that last little bit of hope energy like trying to pretend you're something that you're not.)  It happens.  We're human.  There is no condemnation, but there are ways to have your hope refreshed.

There are a few things that help me a lot...

Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us.

And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement

as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled.

I have my favourites.  Both Joseph of the multi-coloured coat and King David inspire me.  So much adversity...so many times it looked like circumstances and other people were wrecking the good plan...but God's promises were still fulfilled.  Just reading and rereading certain Psalms can refresh my hope.

I also love hearing the God stories of others.  I challenge you to ask someone you consider faith-filled to tell you one of their best God stories.  Chances are it'll remind you of something in your own life and before you know it, you'll be hope-full again.  In fact, both of you will be renewed!

Finally, when you're running low on hope ask someone to pray for you.  It's always a bit of a risk.  I dread getting a whole lot of well-intentioned advice or being misunderstood, but a wise friend will let you pour out your heart and then carry you to the heart of the Father in prayer.  Some of my friends prayed for me this week when I was feeling really weary in my home schooling and it changed everything.  I may never stop being surprised by what a huge difference it makes when I ask someone to pray for me.

Glory to the One who is the source of our hope and who sustains our hope!

Blessing you with the shred of hope you need.  Feed that hope and you'll have extreme hope, overflowing hope.  Hope that preys on hopelessness.

I pray that God, the source of hope,

will fill you completely with joy and peace

because you trust in him.

Then you will overflow with confident hope

through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:4, 13

P.S.  If you need someone to pray for you and you don't know who to ask, send me a private message.  I'll pray.

More Than Optimism

Ten years ago I was in the home of someone I barely knew.  In their washroom was an artfully decorated and framed quote.  I had to copy the words.  It was beautifully written.  If the hosts thought it was strange that I came out scrabbling for pen and paper and returned to the washroom, they were too polite to mention it!  :-)  I've had that little scrap of paper under the blotter on my desk ever since.

Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.  

It is not the conviction that something will turn out well,

BUT THE CERTAINTY THAT SOMETHING MAKES SENSE 

regardless of how it turns out.

I later learned that this was written by Vaclev Havel while he was being held as a political prisoner under a communist regime.  He was there because he believed in and was vocal about freedom.  He had hope that Czechoslovakia would be a free country again.  

I don't know if he knew that he was quoting the essence of one of my favourite hope verses, but he was:

And we know that God causes everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to his purpose for them.

This verse doesn't say that God causes everything...humans cause all kinds of trouble.  But he can make something beautiful out of anything for those who are willing to trust Him with their lives.  

This is hope.  

It's a promise I've put to the test.  There's no limit to what kind of circumstances He can transform.  

This is more than the power of positive thinking.  It's a promise backed by the character of God.

Extreme hope that preys on hopelessness.

Romans 8:28 NLT

Huge Love

My prayer hasn't been answered.  A big one.  One that mattered so much to me, that I've invested my heart in for two years.  It's not a disaster--there's another answer--it just isn't the one I wanted, the one I asked for, the one I thought would be best.  I'm grieving a little...while giving thanks that there's another answer, a good one.

I've sort of wrestled all afternoon with the fact that I'm disappointed...feeling like I shouldn't be.  Silly woman.  Has God ever said anything other than, "Come unto me..."?  No disclaimer.  No, "get your act together" and then come.  No shame.  NO SHAME.  Ever.  Just come.

So I come.  And find rest.  I come and discover that He's not disappointed in me for feeling sad.  He's just full of love.  Love that's bigger than our prairie skies.  Deeper than the ocean.  It's a Love so huge that it invites trust.

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;

Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.

Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,

your justice like the ocean depths...

How precious is your unfailing love, O God!

All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings.

Psalm 36:5-7

Dare to Trust

I got to witness something truly lovely today.  I went with my friend to listen as she spoke to a ladies' group about her adventures on a short-term mission trip.  It was really the story of how she encountered God in a new way and He healed some of the broken places in her heart.  I've known her for a long time and there's no doubt she has been transformed.

One of my favorite things she said was, "We believe that God can part the Red Sea, but sometimes we feel there's no hope for some of the situations in our life.  It's not true.  He can help us with the seemingly impossible stuff."  You could feel a ripple of hope go through the room.

Have I mentioned that her two-year-old daughter is scheduled for open-heart surgery in less than two weeks?

All afternoon I've been pondering how we can make these radical statements of faith when we have questions that are yet unanswered.  My friend's heart was dramatically touched, on her journey she saw a medically verified miracle...and her baby needs major surgery.

There are so many questions I cannot answer.  What I do know, what my friend knows, is that when you've really encountered God and He's touched your life, you know you can trust Him with your unanswered questions.  You know that He's BIG and that He's very, very kind.

Yes, we wrestle with things, we weep, and we wonder, but the bottom line is that we've tasted and seen that He is good and we dare to trust.

Have you ever come on anything quite like

this extravagant generosity of God, 

this deep, deep wisdom?

It's way over our heads.  We'll never figure it out.

Is there anyone around who can explain God?

Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?

Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advice?

Everything comes from him;

Everything happens through him;

Everything ends up in him.

Always glory! 

Always praise!

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.

Romans 11:33-36 MSG 

January Song

"Is any one of you in trouble?  He should pray.  Is anyone happy?  He should sing songs of praise."*

In this week of turbulence I have prayed.  Oh, how I have prayed!  And He has heard my voice!  All I can do is sing songs of praise!

Giving thanks for:

A glimmer of hope that the kids are settling into routine...

A couple of kid-free hours thanks to my husband...

The genuine kindness of my co-workers...

A little chat with a good friend...

A daughter singing her own songs of praise as she loads the dishwasher...

He is real.  He lifts us up.  He steadies us.  He gives us a song to sing.  Even on bleak and turbulent January days.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair...

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the Lord.*

If you are feeling your own January troubles, pray.  He hears.  Wait patiently with your trust in Him.  He will fill you with a song!

James 5:13 NIV; Psalm 40:1-3 NLT

Experiencing Some Turbulence

"Please fasten your seatbelt as we are experiencing some turbulence."

This seemingly random thought popped into my head today.  On second thought, I began to think it wasn't random at all, but a message I needed to hear.

I've definitely been experiencing some turbulence.  Day two of school wasn't much easier than day one...hard to get everyone out of holiday relaxation mode and back to work.  Speaking of work--my paid job feels a little stressful and overwhelming with deadlines looming.

Yep, turbulence.  I should definitely be fastening my seatbelt and trusting the Pilot to get me through this time...

~

Seatbelt.  Belt.  Several hours later this thought kept floating to the surface.  (I'm a little slow some days!)  I paused and actually gave some thought to how on earth I was to "fasten my seatbelt."

"Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth..."  Ah!  Truth.  Stand my ground--not sink into weariness and lose ground--through truth.

"God will supply all your needs..."  ALL.  Body, soul, and spirit.

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown... For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour..."

Truth.  Just these few thoughts were making me feel more secure.  Shalom--that peace in the midst of the storm--began to settle over me.

If you're going through any turbulence of your own, grab hold of some truth and trust the Pilot.  He will be with you, you will not drown, He is your Saviour...

Ephesians 6:14; Philippians 4:19; Isaiah 43:2-3;

Messy Christmas

Christmas isn't at all like a Hallmark card, but you already know that.


A few days ago I sat in a circle of women and we talked about our good Christmas memories and what's hard about Christmas for us.  Talking about the hard stuff brought out strong emotions.  Tears.  We were all blessed with some happy memories, but we all had sad spots too.  There's no candy-coating that stuff.  It's messy.


What do we do?  Recoil from the pain?  Medicate it?  Grit our teeth until it's over?


The problem isn't Christmas, it's just that somewhere along the way we got the idea that in this season we would stop being...people.  Perhaps that reality is amplified by the fact that for a few days we think we should pretend we're not?  The stress that comes with all the expectations just seems to further reveal how very human we are and it's disappointing.


My husband and I come from very different "cultural" backgrounds in the way we celebrate the season.  Honestly, it can be hard.  We've tried to make our own traditions, but before I was his wife I was a daughter.  I try to honour him and not disappoint my family.  Mostly I feel torn.  I haven't handled that very well this year.  The truth has leaked out.  Honestly, I'm more comfortable and feel safer when I can pretend everything's okay. I worry about rocking his boat, about disappointing my family, about distressing my kids with my sadness...  It's into exactly this kind of turmoil that a baby was born and placed into a manger...destined to give the ultimate sacrifice so that we could somehow forgive, be healed, and be at rest.  Even when people disagree or are disappointed.


I want to be more real this Christmas--in fact, it's not that noble at all--I seem to be unable to pretend.  I hope I'm demonstrating to my kids the reality that we're all so very human--not pretend--and that real people go kneel at the manger.  That Christ didn't come to shiny Christmas tree and a picture-perfect scene, but that He came into the mess and showed His love.  It's kind of awkward and unattractive, but I'm finding His peace here in this place of kneeling, desperate worship.  We're drawing closer together.  I think that's why He came.



Christmas isn't like a Hallmark card.  It's much more like a stinky stable...full of, well, the stuff stables are full of.  The relief comes when all the broken, weary, flea-bitten people gather 'round God-made-flesh and worship.  When, rather than running, medicating, enduring, we seek His healing and refuge.



The answer isn't to skip the season--it's to seek Him in it.

The Lord is good,

a strong refuge when trouble comes.

He is close to those who trust in him.

Nahum 1:7

Trust

Trust.

Some days that is the only answer He gives to all the questions.

Trust.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

don't try to figure everything out on your own.

Proverbs 3:5 MSG

Prayer for the Morning

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning

for I am trusting you.

Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.

Psalm 143:8

This morning's sunrise.  Photo by Kaleigh.

No Emergencies

Once again, words popping out of my mouth that I'd never even thought of:  "God has never known an emergency."

Really?  They feel like emergencies to me.  Then again, I'm sure that has everything to do with my perspective.

The nasty thing about eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is that I'm constantly making judgments and decrees about what is good or evil, an "emergency" or "no problem".

And I don't have a clue.

How many times have I seen what looked like a huge problem become the platform for an incredible blessing?  I just haven't gotten into the habit of anticipating it.

I'm longing to live in a place of steady trust.  Rest.  Perfect peace that He's got it all under control.  I want my response to a perceived emergency to be expectation.  Expecting the unexpected.  Waiting for the miracle.  Childlike wonder.

"Come to me with your ears wide open.  Listen and you will find life...

My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,'

says the Lord.

'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.'"

Isaiah 55:3&8

Unbalanced

Balance is one of our cultural buzz words. Really, who doesn't appreciate the wisdom in making sure that we work and play, run and rest? It just makes sense. Usually.

However, there is this "other world" that influences mine. An economy that doesn't quite function along the lines of my natural, human logic. It's unbalanced. It calls me to places of extreme. It is in that upside-down, inside-out, illogical place of obedience I find a rest that "balance" could never bring.

Obedience is sometimes huge and difficult, but goes unnoticed by any other than the cheering angels. Sometimes our obedience is public and open to censure.

Our family is being called to some obedience that feels a little extreme and, by it's nature, public. We're going to home school two of our three children. The reactions of others and my own emotions have sometimes left me feeling wildly unbalanced. I dread the negative responses and I have moments of being uncomfortably aware that there are challenges ahead of me. Each time I go back over all that has lead us to this point, I find myself in a gloriously unbalanced place of restful exhilaration.

I'm starting a new blog that will be more specific to our adventures in homeschooling and I will continue writing more general posts here. If you'd like to join me on our journey and hopefully receive encouragement for your own journey--whatever it may be--you can follow on Wild Obedience.

I bless you with the courage live gloriously unbalanced in whatever ways God is calling you.

"I recommend we abandon the dream of balance.

Maybe you can attain to balance fleetingly, in Zenlike moments of personal bliss,

but generally the kingdom of God permits us no such inner quietude and windless poise. The kingdom of God since the days of John the Baptist,

Jesus said, has been forcefully advancing, and forceful people, violent people--unbalanced men and women, I take that to mean--lay hold of it."

~Mark Buchanan

Molehills and Mountains

"When we make mountains out of molehills we create valleys for ourselves."
Kris Vallotton

Yep. Been there. Done that.

There's a small bump on the horizon and the mind instinctively kicks into...

What if...?

Maybe...

They might...

It could...

In fact, I'm pretty sure there have been times that I've made an art of it. And found myself in a valley.

I've lived in a valley before and I know this: There is a lot less sunlight in the valley than on a prairie or a mountaintop.

And so it is in the Worry Valley. A molehill becomes a mountain of my own making and it blocks out the light. In the gloom, the soul is suffocated and unsure. Depressed and anxious.

Much has been said about what Jesus might have meant when he said, "I assure you, even if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' it would move; and nothing will be impossible to you."

Whatever else He might have meant, I know this: When I declare to that mountain created by worry, doubt, insecurity and unbelief that it must move, that God's plans for me are good, that no weapon formed against me shall prosper, the mountain moves!!

And really, truly, nothing is impossible to me. Hope. Redemption. Reconciliation. Anything!

God can do anything, you know--
far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!
He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us,
his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Ephesians 3:20 MSG

Matthew 17:20

Spring is Here!

Today is the first day of Spring. So far about six inches of fresh snow has fallen. Is it spring or isn't it spring?

If I look out my window at the "facts", I would definitely say winter!! However, if I could see from some sort of cosmic perspective, I would recognize the "fact" as being that the earth has reached a certain angle on it's axis wherein the northern hemisphere is angling back toward the sun. Spring is here. Really.

If I could see from some sort of cosmic perspective.

His plans for me are good... (Jer. 29:11)

I am a masterpiece... (Eph. 2:9)

God will not let me be tested beyond my strength... (1 Cor. 10:13)

All things work together for good... (Rom. 8:28)

I will pass safely through the sea of distress... (Zech. 10:11)

He will repay two blessings for every trouble... (Zech 9:12b)

He will complete the good work He started... (Phil. 1:3-6)

He will restore health and heal wounds... (Jer 30:17)

I will lack no good thing... (Ps. 34:10)

God will supply all my needs... (Phil. 4:19)

He delights in every detail of my life... (Ps. 37:23)

He always leads me in victory... (2 Cor. 2:14)

The enemy will not succeed... (Jer. 1:19)

He will restore broken relationships... (Mal. 4:5)

There are days when the "facts" that I can see with my eyes would weigh my heart down with despair. I need a cosmic perspective! What He has said, what He has spoken and declared to be true, is more true than any evidence to the contrary. Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Faith pleases God.

For since the world began, no ear has heard,

and no eye has seen a God like you,

who works for those who wait for him!

(Isaiah 64:4)