The Big Picture

I've been meaning to blog about The Big Picture ever since Mallory surprised us by showing up one day in June.  Every time I see him I'm reminded again that there's a really big picture.  I desperately need that reminder from time-to-time!

Of course, this story doesn't start that day.  It's hard to figure out quite where Big Picture stories start.  I suspect it's something like, "Before the foundations of time..."  My awareness of this particular story started when I was sixteen.  As is always the case with Big Picture stories, I didn't have a clue that day or, in fact, for many years.

I certainly wouldn't go so far as to say I was a normal sixteen-year-old (whatever that is), but I did struggle with the same things lots of teens struggle with...zits, body image, homework, wondering if I had what it takes, would anyone ever choose to love me, the usual.  I was living in Nova Scotia and one of my aunts was living in British Columbia.  She sent me a cassette tape.  Yes, a cassette.  Not an eight-track, though I did have some of those too, just a regular little ol' cassette.

It was a homemade one with a sticker label that said, "From Brian and Mallory With Love."  It wasn't from them directly to me.  It was just a cassette that a couple of people had made and their friends had enjoyed it so much they made a bunch of copies.  My Aunt thought I would like it and I did!  The songs spoke to my heart.  The guitars were beautifully played and the vocal harmonies were extraordinary.  One of the voices often sang a clear, higher harmony so I assumed Mallory was a girl, like the Mallory on Family Ties.

I played that tape all the time.  Especially when I was trying to sleep at night.  I struggled a lot with anxiety and sleep seldom came easily.  That cassette calmed me.

Because this is a Big Picture story, I have to fast-forward a decade.  Ten years in which I finished High School, went to college, got engaged to a guy that I didn't marry, moved across the country...and then met Brian.  Who sang and played the guitar beautifully.  He had a friend named Mallory.  Mallory was a guy but not the guy who sang the high parts on my tape.  That was Brian.

I married Brian and Mallory sang at our wedding.  Just as God knew I would.  I don't think He just knew, I believe He planned it "before the foundations of time..."  When I was sixteen and tormented by anxiety and couldn't sleep and played a cassette to calm myself He knew I was listening to the voice of my future husband.  He had a Plan.  A really good Plan.  I think He smiled over those moments with the same kind of delight I feel when I plan treats for my kids.

Now I can see that part of The Big Picture. It's really beautiful. It was His plan along I just couldn't see it.

Today is part of a Big Picture too. Strands of a tapestry are being woven together.  The strands are all I can see at the moment.  I have no idea what the final picture for this chapter is going to look like.  Many of the strands are really, really lovely, my favorite colours.  I can easily see those hues coming together in a way that makes my heart burst with joy.

There are a few though that aren't very pretty.  In fact, when I look at those ones I don't like them at all.  I've seen some pictures woven in those colours and they're ugly and make me feel sad.  Some days feel like they are dominated by those ugly threads.  My stomach gets all queasy and I can't think straight.  Grief and fear are paralysing.  What if...  What.  If.

In desperation I seek the eyes of the Weaver to whom I've entrusted my life.  His eyes are beautiful.  So beautiful.  I'm transfixed, but it's different than being paralysed.  His gaze fills me with peace and calm.  His love starts to soak into the pain and fear.  If I stay there long enough, it fills me with courage and I can move again, breathe again.  He makes beautiful, glorious pictures. Even out of really ugly colours.  He weaves in grace and redemption and they become masterpieces.

This seeking of His eyes...  Sometimes it requires fierce determination.  It's an act of war.  A refusal to believe the lies that His love and grace aren't big enough.

Again, today, I will release the strands I'm clutching. He promises to take them and make something that will take my breath away.  I'm looking into His eyes.  The love in them is making me sing a song.

It's a song I learned from a cassette a long time ago.

Brian and Mallory in June ~ I wish I had a picture of them recording their album!

Love in a Box

You're in for a treat.  Actually, I'm in for a treat and I'm going to share it with you.

When my children act like they sometimes do, I like to say, "They get that from their father!"  (It's shocking how unsupportive my friends are of my theories.)  Sometimes the kids behave in ways that I secretly hope they got from me.  Sometimes I know they get it from me and I sigh.  And pray for grace.

However, there are times when I know what I see comes from the seed of heaven that's been planted in their hearts.  I can't take credit, I can only offer thanks.  Humbly.

This most recent week hasn't been one that I'd brag about as a stellar example of fine parenting.  Perhaps the children haven't exactly been stellar either, but...

This afternoon I went out for a couple of hours.  While I was gone my hubby rallied the kids.  I came home to a clean house and love in a box on my desk.  It's labelled Mom's Verse Box.  Grace.  I haven't been the best mom I can be this week.  My little one forgives and gives me love in a box.

I was allowed to open the paper for "Week 1, Day 1."

I am strong, courageous, and firm;

I fear not and am not in terror,

for it is the Lord my God who goes with me;

He will not fail me or forsake me.

I've been feeling more weary than strong and courageous.  

I say it out loud and breathe in strength.  I fear not for it is the Lord my God who goes with me; He will not fail me or forsake me.

I think I might be okay even without a week on the beach.    

No matter what this week holds.  I will not be afraid!  Dread does not belong to me.  He won't fail me or forsake me.

I am strong and courageous and firm.

Looking forward to Week 1, Day 2.

Extreme Hope

Last week my beautiful friend Jen sent me a text in which she said, "I bless you with extreme hope, abiding faith, extreme hope that preys on hopelessness."

It kind of blew my hair back.  It's like she had seen into a secret place and typed out one of my heart's desires.  It's a longing that has defied description, but she described it.  I've been savouring those words.

I have hope.  Lots of hope.  Hope is one of the words that defines my life.  My passion is to spread hope.

But I'm timid too.

Sometimes I'm afraid that you will think I don't understand the depth of your pain and disappointment.  And I might not.  Your pain may not the same as mine.  I haven't walked the same road you walk.  I don't want to seem insensitive.  I hesitate...not because I don't believe in the hope, not because I haven't experienced glorious hope, but because I'm afraid you might not believe me when I say it's for you too.  So I hold back.

Sometimes I consider the stories of others and wonder would I still have this hope if I'd gone through that?

I've decided that the answer is yes.  Hope isn't relative to circumstances.  People who have gone through "that" have told me that it's as real for them as it is for me--perhaps more so.  Hope is a confidence in the person of Jesus Christ, a firm expectation that God will do what He says He'll do.  That His plans are always good.  That He can make something beautiful out of the worst of human messes.

"Extreme hope that preys on hopelessness."

I receive that blessing, Jen.  I'm praying for a courage that won't hesitate to invite Hope into any and every situation.  I want to fearlessly wage war on hopelessness.

He will not crush those who are weak, 

or quench the smallest hope until he brings full justice with his final victory.

And His name will be the hope of all the world.

Matthew 12:20-21

Courage

"Be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart!"

I think I'm talking to the kids about long division...but maybe, just maybe, I'm talking to me...

He shall strengthen my heart.

I'm telling the kids that they have all the resources necessary:  pencils, paper, a knowledge of their multiplication tables and my help at hand.  They simply lack courage.  They're daunted by the numbers on the page and the memories of past failures.  They need need the courage to pick up their pencil and do the first step.

I need to be of good courage and take the first step...in that challenging task, the thing I don't really feel like doing, the phone call I'm not sure I want to make.  Resources and abilities, I've got 'em.  Help available--He's there, willing and ready.  Courage.  I just need the courage to take the first step.

He will strengthen my heart.

He will strengthen your heart.

How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you.

You lavish it on those who come to you for protection,

blessing them before the watching world.

You hide them in the shelter of your presence, safe...

You heard my cry for mercy and answered my cry for help...

So be strong and courageous,

all you who put your hope in the Lord!

Psalm 31:19-20, 24