Happy Birthday, Friend!

I'm a planner and an organizer.  I'm the CEO of a small but forceful organization and most decisions require the consideration of a minimum of five people's schedules.  Even though today is ONLY midway through summer, I must make some decisions about the kid's schedules for the winter.  Trying to consider every eventuality and how we can make everybody's everything jive just about pops a muscle in my brain.  And then there's a nagging anxiety that I'll have forgotten something that will make us crazy trying to deal with all winter...

That anxiety makes it a good time to ponder the coolness of God's kindness toward me.  On this day many years ago one of my very best friends was born.  My kids get the biggest kick out of considering our age difference and what that looks like at their ages in relation to other people they know.  "That would be like me being best friends with _______ !!"  (Incidentally, it is the same age difference between my husband and I, but I'm the younger one in that scenario.)

On this day ever-so-many years ago, I was planning how I would celebrate my eighth birthday; reading my first full-length novel, Treasures of the Snow; biking to my friend's house; weeding the garden with my mom; maybe going to the beach.  It was the year I switched schools and encountered God in a way that marked me forever.

All the while, unbeknownst to me, clear on the other side of the country a baby girl was born.  I wouldn't meet her for more than twenty years.  What is so cool to me is that away back then God knew the plans He had for us.  I know it was with delight that He planned the ways we'd just "get" each other.  That our husbands would be bemused but relieved that we make sense to somebody.  That our kids would be friends.  That we'd both say yes to Him in ways that bring a little bit of heaven to earth.  That He planned everything just right so that we would lend each other strength and a whole lot of happiness.  It gave Him great joy to plan it all out for us!  And we had no idea...

There's no limit to the goodness in our Father's heart toward us!!  Celebrating all this goodness makes my heart so happy--and a little bit less anxious about planning my future. I get so furrow-browed over trying to figure everything out, but who knows what other happy surprises He has up His sleeve for me?

I will be your God throughout your lifetime--

until your hair is white with age.

I made you, and I will care for you.

I will carry you along and save you.

Isaiah 46:4

An Invitation to Trust

It seems like it was ages ago, but perhaps it was only three months...

I was sitting, endless hours, in the waiting room. Keeping anxieties at bay with an ebook, but my reader died. Amusing myself listening to the darling nonagenarian blurting out commentary on the current state of affairs...but her name had been called.  Along with almost everyone else. Wondering if they forgot me? If the pain in my bottom might soon be greater than the one on the inside? Shushing all the what ifs. Grasping at gratitude.

A young, very young, woman came in with four little stair-step children, all preschoolers I would guess, the youngest still in a carrier. They quietly followed her through the registration process in wide-eyed silence. In a little row, they filed along and sat down across from me. Six big eyes stared at me. Six little legs swung. Six little hands folded in three little laps. 

This is usually when I begin to bemoan the fact that my children seem to be completely devoid of whatever gene is required for such calm and orderly behaviour...

Just then a large and odd looking bath chair contraption rattled by.  Six wondering eyes followed and then turned to mamma.  She smiled.

A nursed wheeled a severely handicapped woman by and legs stopped swinging.  Once out of sight all eyes turned to mamma.  She smiled.  Legs resumed swinging and eyes watched.

An eerie cry echoed down the hall.  Eyes widened and turned to mamma.  She smiled...extra reassuringly.  Shoulders relaxed and legs swung again.

Babies cried. 

Nurses called out. 

Alarms rang.  

Six little eyes sought mamma's and she smiled.

It was enough.  For now.  Maybe answers would come later.  

My turn finally came.  Kind nurses and gentle doctors did all they could but they couldn't budge the system.  Anxiety rose.  Uncertainty and pain are a nasty combination.

Then I remembered.  

Seek His eyes. 

He smiled reassuringly and invited me to trust.

My shoulders relaxed.  

Months have passed.  Waiting has wearied.  Uncertainty has vexed.  Friends have hugged and prayed.  I've fallen apart and gotten up again.  Panic rises quickly when the mind is focused on the pain.

However, I've had frequent reminders of those six little eyes and six swinging legs.  Every time I remember, I seek His eyes.

Every time I find His eyes are already upon me, anticipating my need.

All I can see is love. And an invitation to trust.

It is enough.

For today.

Maybe all the questions will be answered someday when we go Home.

For now the warmth of His tender gaze is enough.

I will be with you, and I will protect you wherever you go...

I will be with you constantly 

until I have finished giving you everything I have promised.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever!

Genesis 28:15

Psalm 73:25-26

NLT

Joy Fuel

It sneaks up behind me and clutches my heart with icy fingers:  I haven't done enough.  I should have done more.  It might be too late.  What if, what if, what if...and my heart takes off on a hamster wheel of worry.  

Joy leaks out of my heart like the strength leaving my knees.

Motherhood.  I love my kids more than anything.  I want to do it right.  Love them well.  Teach them everything they need to know to live a pain-free life.  Seriously.  You scoff because it's ridiculous, but look into the sweet faces of your own babies and ask yourself if you don't wish the same?

It's absolutely true that I haven't done very many (any?) things perfectly and only some things well.  Too late?  I don't know.  The experts say that the preschool years are the most formative and I wouldn't say I did my best parenting then.  What if it is too late for some things?  What if they do make some terrible choices that hurt...themselves...others...me?  Anxiety can be the worst kind of agony.

I fling myself at His feet, begging for mercy for my children, for some kind of second chance, for a "get out of jail free card"--and I find love-filled eyes.  Did He not come just because He knew we'd never get it all right?  Is it not His nature to create beauty out of ashes?  To bind up the broken-hearted?  To help desperate parents and imperfectly parented children?

A breath of hope.

Grace.

It's not an excuse for sloppy parenting.  It is hope for those who are doing their imperfect best.  I make an idol of myself and my abilities when I think it all depends on my capacity to parent perfectly.

He loves my kids with a passion that's far greater than a mother's love.   I can trust Him.  He put His life on the line for their redemption.  


Trust.  


Joy begins to well up and strengthen my feeble knees. 


Trust fuels joy.

The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger. 

I trust in him with all my heart. 

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. 

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.  

Psalm 28:7 NLT

Oh, the joys of those who trust the LORD!

Psalm 40:4a NLT

O LORD Almighty, happy are those who trust in you!

Psalm 84:12 NLT

Those who trust the LORD will be happy.

Proverbs 16:20b  NLT 

In the Shade

Before the sun was anywhere near the horizon I was driven awake by a sense of panic.  I hate that.  It hardly ever happens anymore, but it used to more often than not.  Panic doesn't belong to me.  In the darkness I sought the root and found it in the looming deadline. 

Simultaneously, another message rose to the surface.

"...the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand."

My right hand.  The one I work with.  Shaded.  Sheltered from the blistering heat of the midday sun.  Protected by my loving Father.

Work I must, but I don't need to be scorched.

Shielded and protected.  Shaded.

It's Monday and the week stretches ahead, full of responsibilities.  Lean into the shade of His right hand. 

The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade,

The sun will not harm you by day, 

nor the moon at night.

The Lord keeps you from all harm

and watches over your life.

The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

both now and forever.

Psalm 121:5-8; KJV/NLT

A New Calendar

Happy New Year!

I like seasons for the way they give us an opportunity to measure our lives. This morning I measured my kids and we ooohed and ahhhhed over how much they've grown since last New Years'. In the same way, I like to take a few quiet moments every New Years' Day and remember/evaluate the last year and consider the new year.

Like my children, I hope that I've grown in the last year--the more the better! I know I've "grown" over the holidays, but hopefully that's not permanent. What I want to know is if I've grown through life experiences. Have they made me bitter or better? Each year brings surprises--both good and bad. Last year held unexpected losses and disappointments. We were also surprised by unanticipated delights and answers to prayer.

Today I hang up a new calendar. Believe it or not, this used to cause me quite a bit of anxiety. All those blank pages and who knew what they held? There were a lot of "what ifs" for me on all those pages. I like to plan out my life, in fact, if my husband would let me, I'm pretty sure I'd plan the next five or ten years, complete with charts, graphs, and maps! (If this seems completely bizarre to you, you can just pray for me and skip this post!) However, one of the benefits of getting older is that you can get a little wiser too and I'm starting to see a pattern in my life. With all those blank calendars I've hung and all the unexpected things that filled in those blank spots, I've learned that God has been good and He has watched over me and helped me with all the really tough stuff and heaped a bunch of other blessings on me too!

I've learned that there are no "what ifs" in God's vocabulary. The closest thing I can find is Jesus asking, "What if you gained the whole world and lost your soul?" (John 8:36) A thought-provoking question, but not an expression of uncertainty. Clearly, "what if" is a result of being human and unable to know the future. Thankfully, we have a Father whom we can trust with the future. God knows that His plans for us are good (Jeremiah 29:11). He knows that when we place the heartbreaking stuff in His hands He will give us joy in the place of mourning (Isaiah 61:3). He knows that when we surrender to Him all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). He knows that all His promises are true (2 Corinthians 1:20).

With all of this in mind, it's a little easier to hang that blank calendar with a childlike sense of anticipation. My Poppa is with me! He has good plans for me! He will help me with the tough stuff!

Go ahead and plan your holidays and your next oil change. And don't forget to look with wide-eyed expectation for the good plans that He has for you. He loves you!

"What shall we say about such wonderful things as these?
If God is for us, who can ever be against us?
Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?
Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ,
who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from
God's love.
Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love."
Romans 8: 31, 35 & 38