That Stuff on the Wall

"I need some of that stuff on the wall."

Mystified, I glanced around...at animal posters, a string of Christmas lights, the skin of a long-dead critter, an adorable baby picture, and...cooties, definitely cooties.  

Not enlightened, I had to ask, "What stuff on the wall, Buddy?"

"You  know, the stuff you need all the time.  The letters you put on the wall."

I'm somewhat strangled by emotion.  Laughter and tears can be felt at the same time.  Intensely.

The "stuff" I "need...all the time."  It appears that I have modelled failure...often?  I know immediately to what stuff on the wall he refers.

Those letters I have stencilled on the wall in the hub of my home where they are needed often and desperately.  G...R...A...C...E.  Grace.

His cry for grace pierces my heart.  I burrow through tangled covers to wrap my arms around the sweating, heaving chest because I absolutely cannot refuse this cry for grace.  Impossible to be anything other than entreated.

"So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him..."

Indeed.   Why do I hesitate?  Frantically, foolishly, trying to remove stains with my own filthy hands.  Desperately trying to undo what's been done.  Justify.  Defy.  Clarify.  Who did what and when.  You.  Me.  Us.

What has been done cannot often be undone.  There is only one glorious cure.  Grace.  His divine presence entering the mess we've made.  Empowering the wronged to forgive.  Granting the guilty the privilege of standing free of shame.  All to be made beautiful.  Even that which cannot be undone.

Those letters have marked that spot for much more than a year, but it was only today that I recognized the irony of the fact that the "time out" bench has sat beneath those letters all this while.  The spot in which one sits to catch one's breath, to breathe deeply before any more words explode.  The spot to think for a moment before anything else thoughtless erupts into the atmosphere.  The spot one only gets sent to when it's too late.  When the damage has been done.

Except for grace.

"So let us boldly approach the throne of grace.  

Then we will receive mercy.

We will find grace to help us when we need it."

Boldly approach...receive...grace...we need.

Come and sit with me a while?  Let's stay long enough.  Long enough to soak up so much grace that all shame and distress is washed away.  Long enough that grace begins to run over and wash the chip off the shoulder.  Long enough to be filled to overflowing with grace for that one who feels like a thorn in my side, a pebble in your shoe, the spark to our fuse.  Long enough to worship.

Let's rest a while under the writing on the wall.

Because we all "need some of that stuff on the wall."

Matthew 7:11 NLT

Hebrews 4:16 NIRV

Joy Fuel

It sneaks up behind me and clutches my heart with icy fingers:  I haven't done enough.  I should have done more.  It might be too late.  What if, what if, what if...and my heart takes off on a hamster wheel of worry.  

Joy leaks out of my heart like the strength leaving my knees.

Motherhood.  I love my kids more than anything.  I want to do it right.  Love them well.  Teach them everything they need to know to live a pain-free life.  Seriously.  You scoff because it's ridiculous, but look into the sweet faces of your own babies and ask yourself if you don't wish the same?

It's absolutely true that I haven't done very many (any?) things perfectly and only some things well.  Too late?  I don't know.  The experts say that the preschool years are the most formative and I wouldn't say I did my best parenting then.  What if it is too late for some things?  What if they do make some terrible choices that hurt...themselves...others...me?  Anxiety can be the worst kind of agony.

I fling myself at His feet, begging for mercy for my children, for some kind of second chance, for a "get out of jail free card"--and I find love-filled eyes.  Did He not come just because He knew we'd never get it all right?  Is it not His nature to create beauty out of ashes?  To bind up the broken-hearted?  To help desperate parents and imperfectly parented children?

A breath of hope.

Grace.

It's not an excuse for sloppy parenting.  It is hope for those who are doing their imperfect best.  I make an idol of myself and my abilities when I think it all depends on my capacity to parent perfectly.

He loves my kids with a passion that's far greater than a mother's love.   I can trust Him.  He put His life on the line for their redemption.  


Trust.  


Joy begins to well up and strengthen my feeble knees. 


Trust fuels joy.

The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger. 

I trust in him with all my heart. 

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. 

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.  

Psalm 28:7 NLT

Oh, the joys of those who trust the LORD!

Psalm 40:4a NLT

O LORD Almighty, happy are those who trust in you!

Psalm 84:12 NLT

Those who trust the LORD will be happy.

Proverbs 16:20b  NLT 

Do Not Be Afraid

Tangy apple frozen yoghurt tingled my tongue.  She added disgusting gummy worms to hers and told me who was doing and saying what at school.  I got the low down on what's really going on in town.  We moseyed on to the mall and looked at clothes--laughed at the ugly ones, bought some cute ones.  I said one thing, she thought I said another...unspeakable thing...and we laughed.  For a long time, we laughed and laughed.

I almost held my breath for the wonder of it.

When she was a toddler I cried and wondered if she'd hate me when she became a teenager...

She might if not for grace.

Her two-year-old temper sometimes terrified me.  I was afraid it was a sign I was a bad mother.  I was even more afraid that others would think it was a sign I was a bad mother.  This dangerous cocktail actually did make me a horrible mother some days.  I tried to control her.  Control is a love killer.  Especially is in a strong-willed, vibrant heart.

I loved her sparkling spirit as much as I was afraid of her temper!  I loved exploring and learning with her.  Seeing the world through her eyes brought a whole new dimension to mine.

Once in a while I would think this was a kid to whom I should offer choices...so I would offer the pink or green?  Others I respected told me this was such a bad idea.  I was failing to teach her authority.  I was afraid they were right and I was wrong.   Fear.  Lurking everywhere.

I would go back to control.  We'd both end up crying and angry.  Very angry.

I was really afraid that she would hate me some day.  Sure she did hate me on those days.

I knew parenting wasn't a popularity contest, but I knew this wasn't working either!  So we flip-flopped back and forth.  Fun and fear.  Fear and fun.

Along the way I learned some things.  What my heart told me wasn't all wrong.  Control would breed hatred. Choices would bring out strength in a leader-heart.   Choices have consequences which breed empowerment.  Control was easier in the short term.  Consequence is a patient teacher.

My guinea pig child.  She has borne the brunt of my learning curve.  Some days she still makes me feel crazy, but not often.  Many days I suspect I make her feel even crazier--hopefully, not too often.

I try to figure out how to inspire her to clean her room.  She tries to figure out how to disagree respectfully.

Yet we laugh together.  We really love each other.  We like each other too.  I'm filled with wonder and worship.

This is a gift.  A gift made possible by grace.  Amazing grace.

For every time we've fumbled...or outright blown it horribly...there's forgiveness and grace.

There's a big Love at work in our hearts.

I cannot, must not, will not, let fear live in this beautiful place.

I treasure this sensitive and spirited girl.

For all the years yet to come, there's grace.

The Lord who made you and helps you says:

Do not be afraid...

For I will pour out water to quench your thirst...

And I will pour out my Spirit on your descendants,

and my blessing on your children.

They will thrive like watered grass,

like willows on a riverbank.

Isaiah 44:2-4

In His Image

Today I made a new skating dress for my little one.  She needs two for the competition on the weekend.  She was so excited that she could hardly stand it and was willing to do just about anything to help me so I'd be free to work on the dress.  She loaded the washing machine, made tea, passed pins, and cut some of the simpler pieces.


It was so much fun!  It's always fun to make something beautiful--even more fun when it's to delight someone you love.  It made me think of my Papa...and I imagined His pleasure as he flung those northern lights across the sky on Valentine's Day knowing that it would give my heart shivers of wonder.  Did His eyes twinkle when He poked those two dimples in my daughter's cheeks knowing I'd relish them?  And that sunrise this morning...did He smile in anticipation of my pleasure?


When He created us "in his own image," He gave us a drive to create.*  I used to think I wasn't creative because I couldn't paint a picture or write a song...now I recognize "in His image" creativity everywhere.  In my sister who turns a ball of yarn into a beautiful sweater, my friend who cooks and bakes endless delights, one who photographs to capture glory, one who builds a house, one who can't stop doodling, and the one who creates solutions for problems.  Reflections of His creative nature are everywhere.  We have an urge to co-labour with Him in creating.


And so my little one urgently wants to help me.  She cut the straight lines and sewed the simpler curves.  She made a matching scrunchy for her hair.  When all was said and done she declared, "It's beautiful!"  She pirouetted and revelled in the swirl of the skirt.  Said it was fun making the dress with me.


Yes, yes, it was.  My heart lifted praise to my Papa because it's fun creating with Him.  My stitches were lovely, but they became breathtaking when filled with the dancing, swirling life He created.

Every moment that catches our breath is an invitation to worship.

"You are worthy, O Lord our God,

to receive glory and honour and power.

For you created all things,

and they exist because you created what you pleased."

Revelation 4:11

*Genesis 1:27

Awesome Kids

Sometimes I rhetorically say, "I wonder what should I blog about today?"   Inevitably two of my kids say, "Blog about how awesome I am!"  I smile and think that I could definitely do that!  If you're a reader lucky enough to know and love my kids you might read and smile indulgently...  If you know my kids, but don't feel the love, you  may just find it downright annoying..  The rest might think I'm just bragging...

Instead, I'll tell you a couple of ways that parenting awesome kids has given me a glimpse into the Father's heart.

First, I absolutely and unabashedly do think my kids are awesome!  No one is more aware of their flaws than their dad and I and no one loves them more than we do.  That's how your Heavenly Papa feels about you!  There's a sneaky little lie that tells us that His love is lessened by awareness of our shortcomings or that He somehow love us less on our bad days.  Not true!  When you love someone enough to give your life for them...that's exactly what you do.  You give your life for them, committing all of your self and your resources to help them be the best they can be.

Having said I think my kids are awesome, I have to tell you that they definitely don't always act that way.  I hate it when they make bad choices... 

...I'm human so sometimes my reaction is impatience or anger--this is when God reminds me that He's never reacted to me that way.  His love brings conviction and He always gives grace to help with the mess I've made.  I need to do that with my kids. 

...Their poor choices also break my heart because they bring painful consequences.  This pain in my heart gave me a whole new perspective on the heart of the Father.  How many of us grew up with the notion that God had an awful lot of rules and most of them were to keep us from having fun?  It's distressing to me when my kids don't trust that my rules are to protect them!  How much more, the guidelines from a perfect Father?  All He has in mind for us is for our good.  Oh, how He loves us!  The more we grow in His love, the more we understand that He is worthy of our trusting obedience.

I'll wrap up this thankful week by expressing gratitude my for the amazing kids I've been given.  They may have taught me more than I'll ever teach them!  Also, I'm more thankful than I can say for the grace that has been given to make up for my learning curve in the whole parenting process.  Love and grace.  That's what He's given.  Thankful, so thankful

And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love,

you'll be able to take in with all Christians the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. 

Reach out and experience the breadth!

Test it's length!

Plumb the depths!

Rise to the heights!

Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

God can do anything, you know--

far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!

He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us,

his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Ephesians 3:17b-20 MSG