Where the Grass is Greener

We sat across from each other over coffee and crumpled, crumby napkins, catching up.

She told me how long her evenings had been with her hubby working extra hours.

I tried to feel compassionate but was mostly wondering how she could complain...after all she has three solid days of solitude every week. What I wouldn't give for that!  I'm certain if I had 21 blessed hours of peace and quiet I could leap over tall buildings in a single bound.

I felt horrible immediately.  If we had to pick challenges, I'd keep mine over hers any day.  Yet there I was peering over the fence at her presumably greener grass.  Because we have that kind of friendship, I confessed.  She 'fessed up too.  Apparently she'd been thinking my grass was looking pretty sweet.

The seductive allure of that emerald green grass on the other side of the fence.

I heard a message last summer about longing for your neighbor's greener grass, and how our own would be greener if we'd take care of the weeds.  My head assented to the sound logic, but my heart was heavy.  I know better than anyone else just how weedy my lawn is and how hard I've worked to eradicate all the nasties.  How many times I've been certain that I finally annihilated one only to find it as hardy as a wretched dandelion.  Exhausting.

There is, however, a place where the grass is green beyond my wildest dreams.

This green meadow is not of my own making.  It's a place discovered while following the Shepherd.

When I follow Him I have everything I need.  He lets me rest in those green meadows.  There He renews my strength.

He leads me in the paths of righteousness.  He wants to.  He's a shepherd.  He leads me into righteousness--it's not the result of my own efforts.

The key to greener pastures is not in seeking weeds, but in seeking the Shepherd.  If you see a weed, by all means, ask the Shepherd how He wants you to deal with it.  Otherwise, let's keep our eyes on the Shepherd and our ears tuned to His voice and follow.  If you feel lost, find His voice in a favorite Psalm or begin to worship, giving thanks in all things.  This will lead to pastures so green you'll never long for the turf on the other side of the fence again.

The Lord is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He guides me along right path,

bringing honour to his name.

My cup overflows with blessings.

Psalm 23:1-3, 5b NLT

Coming Out

I didn't mean not to tell you.  In the beginning it just didn't seem like a big deal.

When it became a big deal I couldn't figure out how to casually mention it.  It would have been awkward to suddenly shout into the blogosphere that I felt like I was dying! No one likes a drama queen.  Or a hypochondriac.

I didn't want to worry anyone.  Honestly.

Sometimes we need to process a bit before sharing. This is true.

Besides, the internet is rife with "too much information"!  VERY true.

Then the medication made my brain so foggy I was sure nothing I could write would have made sense anyway (though I've enjoyed a few blogs that I'm pretty sure were written in a chemically-induced haze).  I hated feeling so dull and inarticulate!

It was just awkward!

It took over everything until really there was nothing else I could have written about.

Little threads of pride were woven through the strands of common sense.

I missed you.

One day I found myself with a fresh wind of hope but I didn't know how to go about sharing it as I'd been so reticent.  How could I explain without explaining?  But if I don't share...well, you know, I'm quite sure I might burst.

"My purpose in writing is to encourage you..."  Ah, yes.  And how can one encourage unless they've been in need of it themselves?  Hope isn't hope unless it's what you're hanging on to when there's little reason to hope.

How do you get yourself out of a tangle once tangled?

Apologizing is almost always an excellent place to start.

I'm sorry, truly sorry, that I've been awkward...and prideful...I really didn't set out to exclude you.  I'm sorry that I haven't invited you to share my burdens.  So now I will share the struggle.  Without acknowledging the struggle, the encouragement really is quite meaningless.

I've been unwell for a couple of months now.  Many trips to outpatients, clinics, and specialists, poking, prodding, jabbing, stabbing and scanning have lead the reassuring news that I'm not at risk of dying imminently.  Organs are malfunctioning, but I don't really need them any more anyway.  I would prefer to keep them, but not if they keep this up!

I apologize for not telling you about...

~ The incredible peace that prevails even when you're panicking.  Isn't that a contradiction?  Oh, no!  The body is crying out for relief, but the spirit is anchored in the Love of the Father.  This is the promised peace that passes understanding and it's very real.

~ The day, the very worst day of almost unbearable pain, when four couples came and gathered around me and they prayed for me and for each member of our family and it's never been quite as bad since.  They wrapped us in love, physically manifesting the love Jesus has for the hurting.  I long for instant miracles, but I mark that day as the day something changed, slowly but definitely.

~  The good news that the change was enough to avoid having surgery just days before Christmas.  It wouldn't have been the end of the world, but I count it a blessing!

~  The way I was able to shop just enough and to know that we had all we needed.  Christmas was simple, but more than enough.

~  That Jesus was born into awkward and He invites us to be unafraid.

~  That there are things I don't understand about God.  I truly don't.  But this I know, no-word-of-a-lie, look-you-in-the-eye, truth:  He is good.  He is very, very good.  We can trust Him.  Even when we don't understand.

There's more, much more.  Maybe now that I've come out in the open about it, I'll be able to share.

For now, please pray for the healing to be complete!  I long to get back in the saddle!  I've got places to go, people to meet, kids to raise, and blogs to write!

I resolve to be vulnerable.

Love and blessings,

Happy New Year!

Getting Your Face Washed

Today is Ash Wednesday.  When my kids attended the Catholic school they were required to attend mass on this day.  The priest would mark the sign of the cross on their foreheads with a mixture of ashes and holy water to remind them of repentance.  They were to leave this black smudge for the rest of the day as a sign of humility.

They hated it.  It was itchy.  It felt shameful to them.  They couldn't wait to wash it off as soon as they came home.  I have to say that I was happy to remove that stain from the faces of the little ones I love.  Turns out it's a pretty effective object lesson in so many ways...

Sin can be so much fun at the time--afterward it's so uncomfortable.  It itches and rankles and tears at our spirits.  Regret blocks out the sunlight.  Shame saps energy.  We just wish it could be wiped away...and it can!  What joy it is to be cleansed!  How much joy it must give our Father when we let Him remove the stain!  How awful would it be to keep that stain when He's longing to remove it?

I remember a day when the kids were all preschoolers and I was trying to get everyone out the door, but no one else felt any sense of urgency.  In fact, they were squabbling in the doorway.  I totally lost my temper and I YELLED at them.  It worked.  They paid attention and in that moment it was such a relief to let loose with my emotions.  But it wasn't long until I began to feel ashamed.  They were being kids, very little kids, kids in training.  Yes, there were plenty of reasons why I felt pushed right over the edge.  I'm human and I'd reached my limit.  I felt awful.  I'd dishonoured little people that I loved very much.  I told them I was sorry, but I still felt gross.

When I arrived at my destination I burst into tears, telling my friend all about what a horrible mother I was.  My little one came up to me and--with very big, earnest, blue eyes--asked why I was crying.  I told her I felt so awful for losing my temper.  She reminded me that I'd said sorry to them and then asked, "Did you tell Jesus you're sorry?"  I responded that, yes, I had.

"Well, then you're just being silly!"  And she ran off to play.

I laughed.  A wobbly, watery, semi-hysterical laugh.  She'd nailed it.  Taken away all my right to wallow in shame.  Gone.  Washed.  Free.

We have no business punishing ourselves.  Whether we've lost our tempers or committed a "biggie," the price for our freedom has been paid.  To say we cannot forgive ourselves is the worst kind of pride, it is to say that His gift is not enough.

If we've harmed others through our sin, we need to make it right with them and then go get our face washed.

Today is a good day to have the stain washed away.  Smudges of dirt and shame don't belong on the faces of the King's children.  You were created to shine with His glory...it's not a glory earned, but bestowed.  Let Him wash you.  He's longing to.

I've tried everything and nothing helps.  

I'm at the end of my rope.

Is there no one who can do anything for me?

Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.

He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions 

where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind,

but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved.

Those who enter in Christ's being-here-for-us 

no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud.

A new power is in operation.

The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind,

has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you

from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

Romans 7:24-25;8:1-2 MSG

Declaration of...Faith

June is a crazy month for me... As a teacher and parent there's just a whole lot going on. It all screeches to a halt with a giant crescendo on the Last Day of School and I discover that I'm utterly exhausted. Flat. I long for sleep and when I'm not sleeping, all I want to do is lie around and read.

It's really important to take time to rest and relax--for our bodies, our souls, and our spirits. After a couple of days of rest, I was still feeling like I was carrying around a weight in my soul. I've learned that you can be weary in body without being weighted down in soul and spirit so I was motivated to get to the root of this. I picked up a piece of paper I have entitled "Daily Confessions of Faith". I began to speak out loud, "This is going to be a great day. God is guiding and directing my steps. His favor is surrounding me. Goodness and mercy are following me. I am excited about today. I am starting my day with faith and expectancy and I am anticipating good things..."

As soon as I began to speak, light began to flood my soul! Heaviness and weariness can creep in just because we have made agreements with the "facts" of our lives rather than God's truth. Confession of His truth breaks off the chains of heaviness! This is not the same thing as the power of positive thinking. The power of positive thinking rests in our ability to think up good thoughts, keep on thinking them, and somehow create our own reality. Success rests in our ability to do it. It's a counterfeit. The real thing is declaring what God has already said to be true. He said it, He promises it, it has already been created for us, we simply need to receive it. The power is of God rather than of us.

You can find all kinds of "confessions" on the internet. You want to be sure that you're confessing something rock-solidly based on the Word of God. I highly recommend Dr. Neil Anderson's materials. I regularly use his confessions Who I Am in Christ and 20 Cans of Success.

It's also important to "declare" your confession, to speak it out loud. Yesterday my daughter was feeling miserable. I encouraged her to go out onto the deck and shout, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" It was hard to do. At first all she could do was whisper, but when she declared it a huge smile filled her face!! The lie of discouragement was dispelled and truth brought freedom and joy!

"You will also declare a thing,
and it will be established for you;
so light will shine on your ways."
Job 22:28 NKJV