Coming Out

I didn't mean not to tell you.  In the beginning it just didn't seem like a big deal.

When it became a big deal I couldn't figure out how to casually mention it.  It would have been awkward to suddenly shout into the blogosphere that I felt like I was dying! No one likes a drama queen.  Or a hypochondriac.

I didn't want to worry anyone.  Honestly.

Sometimes we need to process a bit before sharing. This is true.

Besides, the internet is rife with "too much information"!  VERY true.

Then the medication made my brain so foggy I was sure nothing I could write would have made sense anyway (though I've enjoyed a few blogs that I'm pretty sure were written in a chemically-induced haze).  I hated feeling so dull and inarticulate!

It was just awkward!

It took over everything until really there was nothing else I could have written about.

Little threads of pride were woven through the strands of common sense.

I missed you.

One day I found myself with a fresh wind of hope but I didn't know how to go about sharing it as I'd been so reticent.  How could I explain without explaining?  But if I don't share...well, you know, I'm quite sure I might burst.

"My purpose in writing is to encourage you..."  Ah, yes.  And how can one encourage unless they've been in need of it themselves?  Hope isn't hope unless it's what you're hanging on to when there's little reason to hope.

How do you get yourself out of a tangle once tangled?

Apologizing is almost always an excellent place to start.

I'm sorry, truly sorry, that I've been awkward...and prideful...I really didn't set out to exclude you.  I'm sorry that I haven't invited you to share my burdens.  So now I will share the struggle.  Without acknowledging the struggle, the encouragement really is quite meaningless.

I've been unwell for a couple of months now.  Many trips to outpatients, clinics, and specialists, poking, prodding, jabbing, stabbing and scanning have lead the reassuring news that I'm not at risk of dying imminently.  Organs are malfunctioning, but I don't really need them any more anyway.  I would prefer to keep them, but not if they keep this up!

I apologize for not telling you about...

~ The incredible peace that prevails even when you're panicking.  Isn't that a contradiction?  Oh, no!  The body is crying out for relief, but the spirit is anchored in the Love of the Father.  This is the promised peace that passes understanding and it's very real.

~ The day, the very worst day of almost unbearable pain, when four couples came and gathered around me and they prayed for me and for each member of our family and it's never been quite as bad since.  They wrapped us in love, physically manifesting the love Jesus has for the hurting.  I long for instant miracles, but I mark that day as the day something changed, slowly but definitely.

~  The good news that the change was enough to avoid having surgery just days before Christmas.  It wouldn't have been the end of the world, but I count it a blessing!

~  The way I was able to shop just enough and to know that we had all we needed.  Christmas was simple, but more than enough.

~  That Jesus was born into awkward and He invites us to be unafraid.

~  That there are things I don't understand about God.  I truly don't.  But this I know, no-word-of-a-lie, look-you-in-the-eye, truth:  He is good.  He is very, very good.  We can trust Him.  Even when we don't understand.

There's more, much more.  Maybe now that I've come out in the open about it, I'll be able to share.

For now, please pray for the healing to be complete!  I long to get back in the saddle!  I've got places to go, people to meet, kids to raise, and blogs to write!

I resolve to be vulnerable.

Love and blessings,

Happy New Year!

The Refuge

If yesterday was the unexpected day of rest, today was the unexpected day of overload and when the "pile" teetered and began to slide around four p.m., some of the tension leaked out onto the coverall-ed shoulder of my husband...  I don't like to admit that I'm overwhelmed.  I'm afraid you'll be disappointed in me--after all, I am.

I've identified what needs to be removed from the pile and I'm in process of passing some of it off, but I wonder if I've got what it takes to carry on until that's accomplished.  Sometimes it's a relief just to admit that.  Some of the tension leaks out of my shoulders with the sigh of admission...

Knowing and doing the right thing is good, but it is not enough to do it solitarily apart from the community of love. I cannot simply be willing to share your burden, I must share mine too.

Then a phone call from a beloved friend with family distress unleases the flood of tears and in that moment we bear each other's burdens and instead of feeling the weight of the combined load, each load is lightened as we turn together to the Refuge. 

So tonight, this frosty Friday night, is for tucking into the Refuge of Rest.  Together.  Gathering strength to go on.

Have mercy on me, O God...

I look to you for protection. 

I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings.

I cry out to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.

He will send help from heaven...

My God will send forth his unfailing love and faithfulness.

O my people, trust in him at all times.

Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

Come, let us worship and bow down.

Let us kneel before the Lord our maker, for he is our God

We are the people he watches over,

the flock under his care.

Psalm 57:1-3, 63:8, 95:6-7