The Big Picture

I've been meaning to blog about The Big Picture ever since Mallory surprised us by showing up one day in June.  Every time I see him I'm reminded again that there's a really big picture.  I desperately need that reminder from time-to-time!

Of course, this story doesn't start that day.  It's hard to figure out quite where Big Picture stories start.  I suspect it's something like, "Before the foundations of time..."  My awareness of this particular story started when I was sixteen.  As is always the case with Big Picture stories, I didn't have a clue that day or, in fact, for many years.

I certainly wouldn't go so far as to say I was a normal sixteen-year-old (whatever that is), but I did struggle with the same things lots of teens struggle with...zits, body image, homework, wondering if I had what it takes, would anyone ever choose to love me, the usual.  I was living in Nova Scotia and one of my aunts was living in British Columbia.  She sent me a cassette tape.  Yes, a cassette.  Not an eight-track, though I did have some of those too, just a regular little ol' cassette.

It was a homemade one with a sticker label that said, "From Brian and Mallory With Love."  It wasn't from them directly to me.  It was just a cassette that a couple of people had made and their friends had enjoyed it so much they made a bunch of copies.  My Aunt thought I would like it and I did!  The songs spoke to my heart.  The guitars were beautifully played and the vocal harmonies were extraordinary.  One of the voices often sang a clear, higher harmony so I assumed Mallory was a girl, like the Mallory on Family Ties.

I played that tape all the time.  Especially when I was trying to sleep at night.  I struggled a lot with anxiety and sleep seldom came easily.  That cassette calmed me.

Because this is a Big Picture story, I have to fast-forward a decade.  Ten years in which I finished High School, went to college, got engaged to a guy that I didn't marry, moved across the country...and then met Brian.  Who sang and played the guitar beautifully.  He had a friend named Mallory.  Mallory was a guy but not the guy who sang the high parts on my tape.  That was Brian.

I married Brian and Mallory sang at our wedding.  Just as God knew I would.  I don't think He just knew, I believe He planned it "before the foundations of time..."  When I was sixteen and tormented by anxiety and couldn't sleep and played a cassette to calm myself He knew I was listening to the voice of my future husband.  He had a Plan.  A really good Plan.  I think He smiled over those moments with the same kind of delight I feel when I plan treats for my kids.

Now I can see that part of The Big Picture. It's really beautiful. It was His plan along I just couldn't see it.

Today is part of a Big Picture too. Strands of a tapestry are being woven together.  The strands are all I can see at the moment.  I have no idea what the final picture for this chapter is going to look like.  Many of the strands are really, really lovely, my favorite colours.  I can easily see those hues coming together in a way that makes my heart burst with joy.

There are a few though that aren't very pretty.  In fact, when I look at those ones I don't like them at all.  I've seen some pictures woven in those colours and they're ugly and make me feel sad.  Some days feel like they are dominated by those ugly threads.  My stomach gets all queasy and I can't think straight.  Grief and fear are paralysing.  What if...  What.  If.

In desperation I seek the eyes of the Weaver to whom I've entrusted my life.  His eyes are beautiful.  So beautiful.  I'm transfixed, but it's different than being paralysed.  His gaze fills me with peace and calm.  His love starts to soak into the pain and fear.  If I stay there long enough, it fills me with courage and I can move again, breathe again.  He makes beautiful, glorious pictures. Even out of really ugly colours.  He weaves in grace and redemption and they become masterpieces.

This seeking of His eyes...  Sometimes it requires fierce determination.  It's an act of war.  A refusal to believe the lies that His love and grace aren't big enough.

Again, today, I will release the strands I'm clutching. He promises to take them and make something that will take my breath away.  I'm looking into His eyes.  The love in them is making me sing a song.

It's a song I learned from a cassette a long time ago.

Brian and Mallory in June ~ I wish I had a picture of them recording their album!

Happy Birthday, Friend!

I'm a planner and an organizer.  I'm the CEO of a small but forceful organization and most decisions require the consideration of a minimum of five people's schedules.  Even though today is ONLY midway through summer, I must make some decisions about the kid's schedules for the winter.  Trying to consider every eventuality and how we can make everybody's everything jive just about pops a muscle in my brain.  And then there's a nagging anxiety that I'll have forgotten something that will make us crazy trying to deal with all winter...

That anxiety makes it a good time to ponder the coolness of God's kindness toward me.  On this day many years ago one of my very best friends was born.  My kids get the biggest kick out of considering our age difference and what that looks like at their ages in relation to other people they know.  "That would be like me being best friends with _______ !!"  (Incidentally, it is the same age difference between my husband and I, but I'm the younger one in that scenario.)

On this day ever-so-many years ago, I was planning how I would celebrate my eighth birthday; reading my first full-length novel, Treasures of the Snow; biking to my friend's house; weeding the garden with my mom; maybe going to the beach.  It was the year I switched schools and encountered God in a way that marked me forever.

All the while, unbeknownst to me, clear on the other side of the country a baby girl was born.  I wouldn't meet her for more than twenty years.  What is so cool to me is that away back then God knew the plans He had for us.  I know it was with delight that He planned the ways we'd just "get" each other.  That our husbands would be bemused but relieved that we make sense to somebody.  That our kids would be friends.  That we'd both say yes to Him in ways that bring a little bit of heaven to earth.  That He planned everything just right so that we would lend each other strength and a whole lot of happiness.  It gave Him great joy to plan it all out for us!  And we had no idea...

There's no limit to the goodness in our Father's heart toward us!!  Celebrating all this goodness makes my heart so happy--and a little bit less anxious about planning my future. I get so furrow-browed over trying to figure everything out, but who knows what other happy surprises He has up His sleeve for me?

I will be your God throughout your lifetime--

until your hair is white with age.

I made you, and I will care for you.

I will carry you along and save you.

Isaiah 46:4

All I Can See is Love

I'm the master of disguise.  At least I'm attempting to be.  Some gifts will be far too easy to guess without a little disguise and that's no fun...

I can hardly wait to see the gifts opened!  Some are things they've told me at least a hundred times in the last month that they would like to have.  There are gifts that I don't think they've even dreamed of, but I know they're going to love!  There are some things on their wish list that won't be under the tree and I hope they won't be too disappointed...

There are gifts I've asked my Heavenly Papa for this Christmas.  Some I won't know about for a few days.  I already know that I won't be getting others.  My heart sighs.  If I wonder why for very long, it could drive me to distraction, but when I look into His eyes I see that He loves me and that's enough for right now.  It really is.  I don't get it, but all I can see is love so I trust.

Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others--

the armies of heaven--praising God and saying,

"Glory to God in highest heaven,

and peace on earth to all whom God favors.

Luke 2:13-14

Christmas Surprises

Sometimes they're the best of buddies, off on an adventure, and the rest of the world is excluded from the mysteries of their schemes.  Other days it seems all he does is push her buttons.  She shrieks at the slightest provocation.  He's sure that she thinks he's stupid.  She's sure he's always planning on wrecking her stuff.  Lord help us all if either enters the other's room without permission!!

The quarrelling wears on my heart and in the busyness of these recent days I've been quick to react to their petty squabbles, sighing and wondering when they're going to learn not to react to the slightest instigation.

Today a little warmth seeped into my heart...

He bought her a gift.  It's perfect.  Shiny, sparkly, purple, and he knows she going to love it.  She knows he got something for her and went to the calendar to count, and recount, the number of days she has to wait to receive it.  He can't wait to give it to her.  She can't wait to open it.  She smiles her quiet smile because she's just so happy knowing that he has a gift for her.  

He wrapped it awkwardly, cleverly disguising it, delighting in the thought of how she'll love it.  This affection between then makes me laugh out loud and some of the busy tension seeps out of my shoulders.

It's about the waiting for the coming of the gift--the advent.  That is the glorious tension of these days.  The longing and the yearning to give the gift.  The knowing that the gift is coming.  The waiting.  The utter confidence that the gift is on it's way.  The anticipation.

No eye has seen, no ear has heard,

and no mind has imagined

what God has prepared for those who love him.

1 Corinthians 2:9

Treasures of the Snow

"All buses are canceled..."  the message drifts across the radio waves and into my sleepy brain and suddenly all my plans for the day are rearranged.

And it's okay.  We still did home school, but it had an extra flavor of fun because the big sister was home, popping in and out of the room with her witty comments.  Instead of rushing so I could go off to work we lingered over the marvels of some sea creatures and discussed pacifism at length.  All the while my firstborn was sorting laundry and baking cookies.

The snow piles deeper and the wind carves huge drifts and we snuggle down on the couch to watch a movie and eat not one, but two or three gooey warm chocolate cookies.  In the middle of the afternoon.

I'm really disappointed about the canceled evening plans.  I'll grieve a little, but I know that other happy evenings await me.  Giving thanks in all things...

You can call me Type A, and I'll admit to being goal-oriented, but today the gift--wrapped in fluffy white--is in finding joy and contentment in not being the boss of my universe.  In having my plans upended and finding it's not the end of the world.  The to-do list will still be there tomorrow and it may be a little longer, but it won't be a disaster--some of it may even turn out to be completely irrelevant.

The Book of Job talks about "treasures of the snow"...

Today I have found "treasures of the snow" in being relieved of the compulsion to keep my busy universe on its axis.  It's all safe in His hands, the ability to do any of it only possible by His grace, the sense of accomplishment a gift for another day,

Job 38:22 KJV

Taking the Challenge

My Little One inherited my love of verbal expression.  One of the things she was really excited to try in our homeschooling adventure was the NaNoWriMo Young Writers Program.  She's committed to writing a story of 7500 words in the month of November and we get to count it as her Language Arts program.  This isn't the first year that someone suggested I do it too, but adults have to write 50000 words and that's not going to happen at this stage of my life!  However, this is the first year someone suggested that I participate in NaBloPoMo--National Blog Post Month, a blog post a day for a month.

She should never have done that...now here I am committing myself.

I spent a whole day and part of night deliberating, arguing for and against the idea.  I swung from excitement to lame excuses (I don't want to be under pressure and turn out poor quality--ha!).  I like to wait for the inspiration (which, by the way, means "breathing in") of the Holy Spirit.  Yet I do have a commitment to myself to blog once a week.  So I know that inspiration and discipline do have a meeting place.

The thing that cinched it for me was this verse that has been rolling inside me for the last few weeks.  I know this always happens for a reason...  The Apostle Paul was instructing Timothy, a man very young in his ministry, to "stir up the gift that was placed within you".

Stir up.  Sounds a bit like choosing.

The gift placed within you.  Sounds a bit like something given rather than earned, put inside you and me by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Sounds a bit like inspiration meeting discipline.

I know part of the gift placed within me is for the purpose of proclaiming hope and healing and restoration to hearts made weary by life (and perhaps by religion).  Blogging is one of the ways I do that.

So I'm committing to the discipline of writing a blog post every day for the month of November.  Trusting for the inspiration!

What's the gift that's been placed within you?  (If you don't know, ask Him to show you.  You do have one.)  How can you "stir it up"?

2 Timothy 1:6-7

The Difficult Obedience

When He asks something of us and we choose to obey...in that moment we only know what we are giving up, letting go of, surrendering.  We may have hopes and ideas about the fruit of our obedience, but the only thing we know for sure is what we are giving--and hopefully the One to whom we are giving.  Therein lies the guarantee.

The boy with the loaves and fish was sought out by the disciples and asked if he would give what he had.  Five loaves and two fish sounds like a huge lunch to me, but I imagine his mother packing a lunch for him as I do for my son.  Some boys need to eat a lot.  They love eating!  As I picture this young lad in my mind, I wonder if he was reluctant to give up his lunch?  My son would be--he's always hungry.  Or perhaps when he looked into the eyes of the Son of God his hesitation melted away?  Whatever the case, when he put his "little" into the hands of the Master something profoundly amazing happened.  I'm sure he had no idea in the moment of "letting go" what was about to unfold.  We still talk about it two thousand years later.

Sometimes the giving asked of us feels huge and we wrestle with it--whether it's our tithe or our time or, you know, whatever it is He's asking of you.  In that moment all we can see is what it's going to cost us.  Unless we look at the One to whom we give it.  The greatest we have to give is nothing in comparison to the One to whom we give.

Sometimes I struggle because I place such a high value on what I'm letting go of...as though He wouldn't turn it into something far greater than I could imagine.  Sometimes what I have to give seems paltry or even pathetic in the face of the need.  Much like five loaves to feed five thousand.

The world is in desperate need of what He can do with our "little".  Given, blessed, broken, nourishment for many.

And he took the five cakes of bread and the two fishes and,

 looking up to heaven,

he said words of blessing over them, and when they had been broken,

he gave them to the disciples to give to the people.

Luke 9:16

Good Gifts

This afternoon my husband and I had a quiet, kid-free hour together so we started plotting and planning what we'll get the kids for Christmas. We brain-stormed different ideas, weighing one against another, picturing each of our unique children and trying to imagine what would best suit each one. It was fun. We had a sense of joy driven by an unspoken anticipation of Christmas morning and the moment when they'll open their gifts...

We have a Father who has been planning delights for us before the world was even created. (1 Peter 1:20) He knows exactly what you like. He knows that you're unique, and not quite like any of His other children. He knows the desires of your heart that you've never even told anyone else. Way back when He was dreaming up snowflakes and the Grand Canyon, He had you and the desires of your heart in mind. He smiled as He planned treasures for you.

It's not all "spiritual stuff" either. He created you body, soul, and spirit. He delights in all the parts of you and has blessings that touch every facet of your being.

Sometimes we can't believe that He has amazing gifts stored up for us because we're nursing resentment about the gift we didn't get. Like the monkey trapped with his hand in the jar we need to "let go" so we can receive the good gift planned for us.

Sometimes we have a hard time believing such things about our heavenly Papa because our experiences with humans have taught us not to expect too much... I bless you with knowing the truth about the abundant nature of your Heavenly Father.

Live in anticipation of receiving good things from your Papa. Anticipation is not whining or demanding, but an alert trust that His plans for you are good. When your anticipation meets the longing of His heart to heap blessings on you amazing things happen!

Every good gift and every perfect present
comes from heaven;
it comes down from God,
the creator of the heavenly lights,
who does not change or cause darkness by turning.
James 1:17 GNT